Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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