We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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