take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
