My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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