You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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