No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
