My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
