how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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