My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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