made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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