The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
