How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
