Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
