the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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