btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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