So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
