She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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