I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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