I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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