what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
