Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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