Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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