Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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