The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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