i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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