I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
