My friends, they love my intelligence
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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