I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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