life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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