70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
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There's a naked man in my car right now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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