the condom got lost in my hair
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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