My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
