finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
