omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
