I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I have aggressive nipples.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
