i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
