david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
