no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
