I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
