Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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