We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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