my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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