Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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