dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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