if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
