Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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