Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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