i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
