I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
