The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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