My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
