I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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