Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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