So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
