just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
