Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
