I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
