i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
