if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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