Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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