So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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